Here we go... (Warning- rant/speech)

"Haimatox" (haimatox) 09/05/2014 at 07:00 • Filed to: None

5

37

Before I dive into my very longwinded post/speech, here is a picture of a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Performante I saw in Houston. Thanks for reading if you make it to the end.

Senior year of high school starts today, and I am not sure how to feel. On the one hand, I'm looking forward to graduation and college. But on the other hand, there's suddenly a wave of regret for squandering so many opportunities over the last three years of my life.

I've wasted my chances to be a "high-schooler," if that can be interpreted with any deeper meaning. Not to be a "high-schooler" academically, but to be young in other aspects, especially socially. I've thrown away all my opportunities to be more outgoing, instead of my usual cynical, introverted self. Now it seems it is too late. I am that socially-awkward guy in class. I am that guy who nobody really got to know very well, because he was always so quiet and self-conscious. If you wanted to get to know me better, good luck. Nobody really does, anywhere.

I've turned down prime opportunities to find love, however fleeting it may be at my age. I've been to one (one!) party over the course of my three years in high school. I've given up opportunities to mingle with my peers at social events such as prom, homecoming (ugh bad backstory there), and sporting events.

But I feel like this year is different, and I can't quite explain. Although idiotic and hackneyed, the expression YOLO has a point. I feel that this is my last year to make my mark, to stand out from others, as well as my previous years. Yes, I feel dread as my final year of school begins. But I feel a kind of burning excitement, that this year might actually be different.

"What a shame, living guarded. It's like half your life's discarded. And I'm scared that we won't get that back."

-Sam Tsui (YouTube musician/actor)

/EndSpeech

Brian Silvestro > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:08

3

I only went to one party in high school too!

(sidenote: there doesn't seem to be any nice cars like the one above in Albany, ever. Or maybe I'm just not looking hard enough.)

Haimatox > Brian Silvestro 09/05/2014 at 07:10

1

Albany doesn't have anything nice, except for the 458 Speciale I saw on Wednesday. And also, one-party people are the best people.

Mr. FiSTer of Team FiST Fetish > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:15

1

Live it up, bro! Do some shit you know you probably shouldn't and then do it again. Have fun, don't stress.

Brian Silvestro > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:15

1

#ONEPARTIERS4LIFE

And good, I knew I wasn't going insane. The nicest cars I've seen while up here goes as follows:

A newer Z4 with an M badge pasted on, clearly the owner is a douche.

An E60 M5, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't from around here, helping their kids move into college.

An older STi.

A faded pink, rusting BMW 2002.

A BEAUTIFUL 964 that someone at my dorms owns. I need to meet him.

My car.

THAT'S IT.

Haimatox > Mr. FiSTer of Team FiST Fetish 09/05/2014 at 07:16

1

That was my thinking.

Mattbob > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:20

3

sounds like a case of FOMO. What you have done up to this point has made you who you are, and who you are is awesome, so don't regret what made you into that person. You have plenty of more time to be young this year, not to mention the circus that college can be. Just keep this post in mind next time you are tempted to say "no" to doing something.

Haimatox > Mattbob 09/05/2014 at 07:22

0

Solid advice. What does FOMO mean exactly?

NonDriftingS13 > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:22

1

I've started my senior year of highschool too! I don't have many regrets even though I'm not a partier(I've been to maybe 2). My advice to you is just don't lose yourself in the partying. And if you do screw up make sure you can recover from it.

PelicanHazard > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:25

6

I didn't much care for high school, so I was just like you; the only parties I attended were for the small circle of friends I made and myself. Nothing big, nothing popular. It's far from the worst, though, because that's what I wanted. I was well-liked enough that I got along with almost anyone, yet obscure enough that no one felt the need to kiss my ass or put me down or involve me in their drama. Does this mean I have fewer "friends" from that era as my classmates? Sure, but they're people I largely didn't care about and I haven't seen most of them since graduation anyways. Life scattered us to the four winds.

(Btw, in five or six years, if you want WTF-levels of sonder, take a yearbook and look up old classmates on LinkedIn. That's how I found out that one of my classmates is now a real estate agent in Perth, Australia. Got me thinking about all their lives, the hardships they faced, the achievements they've made. Quite humanizing, and I credit it for helping make me less cynical and more curious of strangers.)

The point is, life is what you make of it, so if you have a burning excitement to be different this year, seize it. No matter what, events will separate you from many of your classmates, but rather than apathy I'd suggest meeting all of them with a smile and a wave. There's no time for hate. Best of luck this year, and wherever you go next.

Mattbob > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:26

1

fear of missing out.

Haimatox > NonDriftingS13 09/05/2014 at 07:26

0

That's always good to keep in mind.

The man in the iron mask > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:28

1

Im the same. but that issue is as important as you want it to be. You could just dont give a fuck. The thing that saddens me about myself is that i wasnt like that at the beginning of highschool, I was a pretty normal guy, made many friends at the first year of highschool and all that shit, but after going through some family problems i started to keep things to myself, and then also we moved and i had to go to school somewhere else. Now i knew nobody and i had become the socially awkward guy in class So yeah from there on i started to be this way that you say. I didn't go the the graduation prom. But hey i saved a good amount of money. And used it for some bolt ons. Cars man, driving makes any car guy cheer up.

Haimatox > Mattbob 09/05/2014 at 07:32

0

Yeah sounds about right.

yamahog > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:38

3

Psh, you're fine, you don't want to be that person whose best years were in high school! Do your work, avoid the drama and gossip of teenage brats, get into a good college, and then get to the partying and enjoying of the youth. That's when it's really good anyway, in that you're living on your own and don't have to sneak stuff by your parents any more. Also, if the college you go to has a good Greek system and you can get a bid, that will do wonders for helping pull you out of the socially awkward bubble.

Source: was high school valedictorian, rewarded myself with four years partying/obtaining engineering degree at Michigan

thebigbossyboss > Brian Silvestro 09/05/2014 at 07:55

0

I wanna come to Albany. That is one area of upstate NY I have never checked out.

mr_gofast > yamahog 09/05/2014 at 07:59

0

go go engineers (my brother is one) *fist bump*

Krieger (@FSKrieger22) > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 07:59

1

I'm actually close to 75% through senior year of high school myself. I have been to a grand total of... zero parties in high school (besides, parties aren't in vogue here). Haven't gone to the concerts my peers attended, don't play most of the games they do, don't listen to much of the same music, the list goes on.

To be frank, I don't really care all that much myself about trying to fit in with the "in" crowd here. Like you, I'm socially awkward (in the absolutely cannot make small talk sense), introverted, self conscious and cynical. Most of it probably has to do with what I've been through during the past few years.

Again, I don't match up with what my parents think a high schooler should be either. But then I've found myself to be of the wrong size, shape or both for far too many boxes. I tend to want to do horrible things to people who advise me to "be myself", but that's what I've found myself to be doing anyway.

mr_gofast > Brian Silvestro 09/05/2014 at 08:00

0

i typed in exotic cars albany and this came up :(

JGrabowMSt > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 08:02

1

Ive never been to a party period. I dont smoke/drink/do drugs. I turned out okay, I think.

The thing to remember is that things happen for a reason. You've made plenty of choices in life, and simply put, you cant judge your decisions based on what other people are doing. I spent most of high school creating a future for myself by learning tv/radio engineering and production, and Im totally glad I did. My knowledge is so far beyond other people my age because of it. Most importantly, I learned who I wanted to spend my time with, and who I didnt.

I think youre just not giving yourself credit for things. Youre listing the wrong half of life right now, and really need to start looking at the positive half over the negative. I think its just silly to live holding yourself to a bunch of low standards just because everyone else is doing it. Sure, even behind YOLO (i hate the acronym) is a positive message, but its all but been confused for an excuse to just go "full retard." Youre not missing a damn thing.

Yes, you should absolutely live life to the fullest, but you should not lose sight of your morals and values. You need to know who you are, what you believe in, and most importantly, what is and isnt for you. I dont care for half of the stories I hear from my coworker or people I know in passing. It just doesnt mean anything to me. The drugs, the drinking, the smoking, its just not worth it. Think of how much money goes into that every year, and where else you can spend it. I own all my camera gear, and most of my friends are just dreaming about it. They ask me how I did it, and I just tell them to take a year or bar tabs and add it up.

Life is simply what you make of it, not a set of standards made up by everyone around you. Dont forget that.

Brian Silvestro > thebigbossyboss 09/05/2014 at 08:08

0

There's nothing of interest here.

Brian Silvestro > mr_gofast 09/05/2014 at 08:08

0

Seems disturbingly accurate.

thebigbossyboss > Brian Silvestro 09/05/2014 at 08:09

0

Yeah? What about cheap beer? You're looking at a guy who took a roadtrip to Irvington NJ lol.

Brian Silvestro > thebigbossyboss 09/05/2014 at 08:12

0

"What is Irvington NJ..."

-me

I don't drink, so I wouldn't know. Everything else is expensive, so probably not.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 08:20

3

If you think high school is the "best years of your life" then you have a really crappy outlook on growing up. High school sucks in the long run. Your 20s? That's when you can really "make your mark". Think about it - you probably have limited access to specialized education or training for whatever career you actually want. So if you have a job right now, it's probably the typical high school BS right? And don't forget that many of the people you are friends with now are only friends due to being trapped in the same government run holding pen as you. Your close friends will still be close after you graduate.

Not to say that high school HAS to suck, just saying that you shouldn't build up high school to be more than it is. Since I graduated from college, the only people who really talked a lot about high school were the people who haven't done anything since. I never went to a party, never had a girlfriend, didn't even study all that much during high school. I actually found my quality of life improved the very first day that I never had to deal with that brick house of idiots ever again. I found love, I found education, I found the first few steps to my career, and I really ignited my passions in life in college. So don't place too much weight on what happens in your last year of high school.

whatisthatsound > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 08:22

1

My 0.02$, being social in todays world is extremely important. You can be the most intelligent person in your school/college, and you'll get a good job when you're ready. You will never get the best job in your field without ability to interact. Social skills are a serious X factor, and you can fake it till you make while starting this school year. Honing the ability to unite and lead classmates/co workers is what every company looks for. This year make an effort to become friends with your classmates, and show them you can speak and act intelligently, but still be friendly and fun. A smart man can use words and theories the lay man cannot understand, a successful man can show the world exactly what they mean.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 08:29

1

Junior in HS here. And I'm in a very similar boat. No relationships, no parties. Never drank. Never smoked. Went out bowling with friends one time. I'm just not a social guy. And even this year I have that feeling of being the socially awkward kid. But as of now I don't really want to change I'm just not sure though. On one hand it just seems stupid to go out and do wild things. But on the other even I'll admit my life is super boring.

I think I might be asking a girl out next week so that may be all the excitement for me.

Hey good luck man with whatever you do.

Jayhawk Jake > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 08:32

1

I never went to a party in high school. I dated one girl in high school.

I turned out okay. You'll be fine. High school is dumb, just get it over with.

thebigbossyboss > Brian Silvestro 09/05/2014 at 08:34

0

It's a ghetto in Jersey.

Brian Silvestro > thebigbossyboss 09/05/2014 at 08:47

0

Well Albany is a ghetto, just really cold and nothing to do.

cazzyodo > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 09:12

1

This is what college is for...granted I have more regrets about college than I care to.

Moral of the story is that as long as you are enjoying yourself at the time and doing your thing, you didn't do it wrong. Hindsight is 20/20. It's easy to look back and think "what if?" and "I should have done that" but you never know which way things will take you and what will come of it.

I had fun in high school and felt invincible...without doing exactly what you were afraid you missed out on. In college, I built on that while someone from my school went the complete opposite direction and recreated herself. We both had fun and developed our lives but in completely different manners. No matter what you choose and how things go just live in the now (recognize the consequences in some cases) but stop with the hypothetical situations!

Seriously, hypothetical situations and second guessing put me in a tough spot for a bit but getting out of my comfort zone (and chasing a girl) brought me back.

boobytrapsandtreasure > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 09:50

1

It sounds like you're being hard on yourself. As you have read in the comments you are not the only one out there to have had a similar experience. Allow me to make some points in the form of a list because I'm not caffeinated enough to form a good paragraph.

1) You are young and still trying to find/make your place in this world. Remember that you are NEW at this.

2) High School is a confusing caldron of awkwardness and hormones. Given the opportunity I sure as hell would not do it over again.

3) There is not one person in your school that has life figured out. If they have you convinced otherwise they are trying twice as hard to convince themselves.

4) If you are not part of any clubs I suggest you join one in line with your interests. Being an introvert a smaller group will be less taxing. It will also allow you to form deeper seeded friendships.

5) Always be a gentleman. It helps the world see you in the best light.

6) I have no number six. I blame the caffeine deficiency.

I suppose I should wrap up this offering by saying that I think you should relax as best you can and enjoy the ride of your Senior year. Keep up with your studies and try to let the aggravating social things roll off your back. By taking them personally you feed negativity and that only holds you back.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 10:25

1

I didn't go to many parties in high school, combination of not wanting to reek of weed from other party goers when i got home and not being invited a lot.

I was awkward, shy, and got picked on plenty.

I picked a college that was 12 hours away from home and huge. No one else in my entire school was going there (2 others applied 1 got in but went elsewhere, other didn't have strong enough academics to get in). That college was Michigan State University.

I took a chance, I took a leap of faith, was assigned a random roommate in the dorms, and went to a state that I didn't know a SINGLE person in.

It was the best thing I ever did. I got to be who I always wanted to be without the judgement of people who already knew me. And it was great. I became more outgoing, stuck up for myself, and so much more confident.

I think if I had a "better time" in high school I wouldn't have been able to take that big leap to change who I was.

Now I'm sitting here 10 years after graduating high school and 6 after graduating from Michigan State at a great job in my field with a wife and son at home (and a Montego in the garage).

Thank god for an awkward high school experience.

Tapas > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 12:12

1

If you're in the Houston area and looking for fellow jalops, give me a holla. We can party or do car things, like talk about cars, make engine noises and other stuff :D

Haimatox > Tapas 09/05/2014 at 13:21

0

I'm not in the Houston area, unfortunately. I was on vacation.

Tapas > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 13:53

0

Gotcha :)

MountainCommand > Haimatox 09/05/2014 at 22:29

1

FWIW...

You sound pretty familiar to myself back in highschool. I had like 3 buddies, but besides that i was pretty solitude, and turned down many opportunities like you mentioned. Now that i am 22, i look back and have a few regrets (mostly about not opening doors with girls who wanted to get to know me and such), but i dont regret the whole party/drinking/420 dealio. You dont really want to ruin any chance at a future job, driving licenses, or having a record with the law. Not to mention its a complete waste of your money you could use to spend on cars at your age. (you wanna be the kid with a beat up POS civic, who smokes bowls every friday night, and comes in the next monday hungover? Or are you gonna work a little bit, get a sweet car, and actually have something to show for your money instead of burning it into your lungs or decreasing your livers efficiency...) Im not saying dont hang out with them, but just dont get sucked into that risky lifestyle especially at your age.

Also, if you havent gotten a job yet, look into getting one. Grocery store, gas station, whatever. A job helps you break yourself out of your shell so to speak. You will begin to make work friends, interact with people. Yes it may be in a forced fashion, but once you begin to do it enough, you will become a social interaction pro. Then you become more comfortable with yourself, and begin to be yourself everywhere outside of work.

Dont be afraid to hang out with your school buddies. Alot of times i had school friends who i never saw outside of school. The moment they stepped off that bus was the last time i would talk to them until the next day. I dont know why i didnt hang out with more people, and i regret that. I no longer act that way. (i guess partially its due to the fact i couldnt drive back then).

Youre not the only one. Sorry to make you keep reading haha, but your rant reminds me of this girl in my psych class in senior year. She was very smart. The straight A girl who didnt mess around with anything. She decided to ask the psych teacher nearly the exact same question you asked. "Do you think i missed out on my high school experience by not taking all these super hard classes, not going to parties, not hanging out with people all the time, etc..." The whole class was quiet. One of the few times everyone wanted to hear an answer to such a question. I mean its questions like these that give us answers to life, right? The teacher really didnt have an answer. I mean he didnt condemn one lifestyle over the other, and i mean, you cant really do that anyways. But he said something along the lines of it being a personal, internal struggle.

Its your life. Dont live it for what other people 'seemingly' love to do. Live it for what you love to do. Dont be afraid to do certain things, but dont be a fool either. Use your common sense, you seem to have a good amount of that.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Haimatox 09/13/2014 at 01:06

1

I too am a socially awkward guy in high school. Not a senior though, but a junior. I feel your dread.